PractiMama.com

If you are going for your first booby squish soon, chances are you have heard negative things about them from your circle of women. So, to clear a few things up, firsthand experience is what guides this posting today.

Making the Appointment
Once you pick up the phone to make the appointment, you will be asked a series of questions, including whether you have breast implants. That one elicited a chuckle, but it is an important question. Yeah, just think about it. Then, you’ll be asked to provide your insurance information. After that, you may be instructed to arrive without any deodorant. That’s to keep the machine cleaner.

If you have a small child, ask the scheduler what the policy is about bringing children just in case you cannot find a sitter. Some will be really friendly and say that they will watch your little one until you are finished. If this is the case, bring books and enough material for the staff member to do a nice job — for her, not you!

Simple Pre-Mammogram Procedure
Once your name is called, you will be directed to a room with small dressing rooms and told to disrobe from the waist up before putting on the examination gown, open-side in front. Do yourself a favor and take all of your belongings with you.

Just so you know, the entire process takes less than 15 minutes if there are no interruptions.

You will be asked to place your bare girls onto the black plate, one at a time. Then the clear plastic plate will be lowered.

You will then enter a room with a computer station and a giant mammogram machine – let’s not get too technical in this post. The technician, usually a cheerful woman – and if she isn’t, call her on it –will tell you to stand directly in front of the giant machine. Then she will tell you to take out one of your breasts and to take your arm fully out of your gown. You will be asked to raise your arm in different ways, too.

This is a nipple marker. It goes smack dab in the middle!

Nipple Marker
She will then give you what’s called a nipple marker. It’s a small bandage with a tiny metal tip. It covers your nipple. Duh. The one shown is actually quite colorful, and purple. Of course. Because women only like purple and pink. Apologies for the tangent….

On television, the video always shows women standing up, looking as if the big metal plate comes at a woman parallel to the chest, squishing the girls head on. This is not case with this machine.

Boob Squish
You will be directed to place your breasts – one at a time — onto the plate. It felt as if a bag of potatoes was flopped onto the counter at a store or something surreal like that. Then, a large and flat thick piece of clear plexiglass or plastic will be lowered onto the top of the breast on the metal plate. The clear plastic piece will continue to be lowered well past when you think it should stop. This is the part where it is supposed to hurt.

Poor, Poor Girls
Once the whir of the engine stops, you will find yourself looking down at your flattened booby. Don’t feel bad for her. She will perk up after it’s over. You will then be asked to do this a couple of times for each breast so the technician can get all angles recorded.

Be Polite About the Results
Refrain from asking the technician about what she’s seeing or what’s in front of her. Chances are she is going to tell you that you will have to wait to hear from your doctor. The reason for this is that a certified professional, such as a radiologist or medical doctor, needs to review the records and make the determination. A technician is not certified to do this and does not like being asked to do so.

Finished
Once the technician releases you, that’s it. You are now done!

Remember to pick up your child if you left one with the front desk, and give the stand-in sitter some small gift in return. Chances are, you’ll be back the following year, and you want to make a good impression even if your little one is the spawn of Satan that day. Cupcakes and a current, unread fashion magazine in a nice bag always work well…

Routine Comments
You may be asked to return for more testing. This can be a normal request and nothing to be alarmed about, according to women who are well-experienced with this procedure. Just make sure to check in with your doctor.

Pain
Now that we have all of that out of the way, let’s talk about the pain! For some women with ample cuppage — yes, this is a Pump Mama original word – the procedure will mostly feel squishy with lots of pressure. You know, like your boobs are being squished by two flat plates. For other women who are less ample, this procedure could add an element of pain.

Pain Relievers
You may have heard your friends tell you to take a pain reliever beforehand or to enjoy lots of wine afterward. That’s all fine and well as long as the pain reliever you take is not a blood thinner, according the technician who handled this case. She said that in the event more things are needed, thin blood will affect the results. So, ask your doctor about this if the idea intrigues your further.

Simulated Mammogram Pain Test
If you want to try to simulate the sensation and are willing to accept the consequences of this suggestion, take two small trays and put one on top and under one of your girls. Then, bring them together as much as possible so your breast is squeezed as much as you think you can do so. That would be a good approximation of what you’ll experience. Oh, and make sure the trays are really cold. Now, you’ll know what a mammogram — kind of — feels like.

Hope this helps, ladies and gentlemen.